Quest of life

Its the month of July the precise date doesnot matter .In India July is a month when the rains clean the air and flows the dust to the sea.The month marked by thundershowers that soak the dry earth and quench its three month old thirst.The land , trees and animals all are high in mood for some fun like a teen who is allowed to go out for the first time and wants to live the moment as if its the last of his life.Like a young bird who has learnt to fly and wants to fly to distant land and never rest.
But aloof all this fun, I prostrate on the board of the boat.Feeling the wind kissing my skin and the sun giving all its warmth , lying naked before them ; No i m not moved by any embarasement what embarassement ?Haven't they seen me like this whole my life? When i was born , when i bathed the first time, when i thought i was alone but still not alone since there is no vaccum, so why should i fear they seeing me like this. When i was deep in my thought was not this wind whom i was talking to !! When i was longing for the warmth of my estranged love was it not this sun that satiated me with its heat.
So i lay here too distant from the comotion of the city , from the gruelling of everyday , from the constant nagging , from the fight which i have with in me to improve myself, from my own quest to be a better person than what i am today.As I am floating in these thoughts the wind has picked up and the sky is turning from the white to the dark.Darkness of the clouds , I can smell the water laden wind coming from the distant.The fluttering of the sails has stopped , the birds having found safe place have stopped chirping, the water which till now was gushing and billowing in its new found youth is suddenly standing still.As i look around me i see them all staring at me as if a war i stand in a collosal to be slayed today, at times my instincts tell me to take the boat to the bank and wait for the rains to get over but then it is my moment of cleansing, my time for penance for the wrongs that i have done and rights i could not do.
Let the levee break today but i have to stay today , its the levee that taught me to weep and moan, its the levee that taught me to laugh with her , its the levee which heard me when i was down and out so this will be my place where i ll stay and as the rain falls hard i remember the following lines from "IF" :"If you can force your heart and nerver and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will that tell them to :"HOLD ON"".
The rain has started to fall heavily and the wind has picked again picked up and i will sense that today its going to be a long nite but the day tomorrow will be better than today and my quest against my limits continues........

Bakar !!!

Its rarely that he gets to listen to the sound of the wind blowing.Not that he is always accompanied but today he is alone, alone in his mind no thoughts just a kind of silence like the silence one experiences when in deep meditation.He hears to the sound of the air such pureness such warmth like the words of a mother consoling a grieving child which remove the pain and each word spreading the warmth.
But it has to be so its not one one of those regular days.An unusual day which fate has bestowed upon him and standing over the cliff overlooking the valley he can feel nothing but peace.More than the peace the oneness with the mighty nature which at one stroke of chance can put an end to him.He feels like a soldier who sees his life in the hands of his adversary knows one motion of his hand can put end to his life of complexity but still happy for dying having received his eternal goal.
"The greatest and commanding moment in world is the triumph of enthusiasm.Nothing great could ever be achieved without it."
He keeps iterating this line in his mind trying to make sense of enthusiasm , triumph , moment , greatest words.No not words these are not words today but discrete thoughts and the words discrete sticks to his mind.He remembers his Math classes:Discrete Numbers: Numbers whose occurence is not defined by any principle.Discrete: Eva said discrete emotions with which we both love each other.We cannot coalease our emotions they can never be, the harder we try still we can not fuse them together : it is discrete and kissed him.Discrete: Sam said you cannot live your life with discretely, you have to settle to lead a life:afterall life is not to be lived in a discrete number there has to be some continuity.
And he always asked why not discrete?
He is jolted back to where he is by the sound of overhead flying eagle.He doesnot remember how much time he had been here so he looks at his watch but doesnot sees the time.Time is the last thing he is going to worry.But then again the thought comes to his mind how much time he will stand here?How much time more he has to tell Sam stop telling what to do?How much time more he has to spend with Eva to tell her how much he loves her ? He cannot stand here to eternity.His favourite word eternity which always reminds him of infinity or patience and his quest to know what is beyond infinity.He was always fascinated with the story of the ant who kept falling from the wall and still kept on trying.He was fascinated not by the victory that ant gains but by how much time would the ant continue to toil will it ever give up or die like this trying?Why he is bound by shackles which prevent him from doing what he wants.Why cannot he flow like in a river let the river deciede his destiny why is he tormented by his own thoughts which betray him plot against him and try to bind his freedom not his physical freedom but freedom of his soul.
He has changed his mind its not the time to do what he wanted but time to do what he never did.
Time to flow , time to breathe the air not to live but to feel its coolness inside , taste the water not to quench his thrust but to understand what makes it so pure and time to love not with the aim to get it back but to understand what it is like being in love!!!May be he might die trying but he died trying!!!!

mirage

I love you in a mirage
The closer i am from you
The further it seems to me from me
Its not the distance that i travel
Its not the hardships that i face
But its the travesties that i create
To conceal what is in me
All this for you
Since i love you in a mirage...
The sand below my feet is burning
But its nothing as compared to the fire that burns me
Everytime i see a glimpse so near
Just to find its not near but far
Were you there i ask in disbelief
Or was I in delirium
When my disillusioned self returns to sense
I realise it was not you but the mirage
As i love you in a mirage
I fear i might lose my sentient self chasing you
You who created this illusion of your being here
Even though my councious self pulls me towards your absence
Its this mirage that has created your presence
As i try to dispell this mirage
I realise i cannot remove this disillusionment
My delirium is to stay with me
I am going to stay the way i am
Pulling myself toward my self incarceration
Incarcerated not by you whom i love
but by the mirage
As i loved you not for what you are
But the mirage of what you are
And now i fear of what you are
As every fear needs a company
I have made this mirage my friend
Its where i feel you the closest
Its where i feel your warmth
Since I love you but in a mirage